Inflation Threatens Monopoly Dollar, Other Currencies Shaky

GO, Corner of the Board - A meeting of the world's greatest bankers at the famed Monopoly starting place has been a less then joyous affair. Go brings up thoughts of collecting $200, but recent economic failures have made that place worth a lot less than before.

The fall of home real estate market made the little green house completely worthless and now a second bubble in commercial real estate threatens the rest of the board. Hotels and commercial properties from Mediterranean Avenue to Boardwalk have dropped in value since the beginning of the recession. This has people questioning whether the Monopoly dollar should remain as the standard board game world currency.

Since being bailed out by US government Monopoly and its bank face several restrictions, including a 90% cut in pay, making GO only pay $20 each time it it passed or landed on. Special perks, like collecting all the Community Chest money for landing on free parking, have also been eliminated.

The government tried to stimulate the market by offering an income tax credit for buying up property, lowering it to $100 or 8%. They also tried to improve manufacturing by trading in the game's 1930's vehicle for a newly manufactured one.

Some people advocate a switch to the Game of Life currency, arguing the game is more diversified than Monopoly. They cite that Life contains more cars and stimulates more domestic spending for kids, rather than Monopoly's simple investment spending. Others question the Life, stating that the game relies too much on the spin of the dial and there is no social safety net for retirement if people end up with little at the end of the game.

"What of the poor people that will be left over? That could cause social unrest like we saw in the Great Depression. This is merely a game of chance and laissez-faire economics," claims AARP spokeman Ari Forth.

Others support the Life currency, especially the CATO institute.

"The Game of Life is not some strict square of predetermined paths. It has choices such as a variety of careers and houses, whether to go to college or straight to the job force, and where to retire," said a CATO report that came out in September.

Another big question hovering over the conference was the state of health care reform. Physicians of the Operation board questioned whether the health reform will cost them their fees in surgery and other aspects of the current bills.

"The biggest fear we have is that nothing will be done on malpractice reform," said Dr. Jame Pivot, a Writer's Cramp specialist, "Some of our jobs are just dang hard and we'll occasionally set off the alarm. But we shouldn't have to pay out exorbitant insurance fees or settlements."

The Democrat's threats of ending insurers' monopolies has special resonance at the conference, for obvious reasons.

This is considered to be the biggest conference of Board Games this year, though President Obama has hinted at a military strategy conference of Battleship, Risk and Axis and Allies.

CIA Monitors Blogs and Social Networks, Feels "Intelligence" Part of Agency Atrophying

Washington, D.C. - Wired Magazine reported that the Central Intelligence Agency was investing in monitoring social networking. In-Q-Tel, the venture capital arm of the CIA, has invested in Visible Technologies, a company that creates software to monitor social networking sites.

However, an early test of the system shows that the software may be overrated. While the software could alert the CIA to trends in selected countries, as was the case in Iran elections and Twitter, the weakness is that most Tweets, shared pictures and blog posts are either inane self centered ramblings or else cut and paste from others' ramblings. So far attempts to sort out the stupid from the relevant has been an impossible task.

"Some people say that if you have nothing to hide you have nothing to worry about," said CIA Civil Rights Liaison Greg Larson, "But for God's sake, people need to hide a lot more. We're not talking for legal reasons, we're talking common human decency. Blogging your shits, family issues and pictures of your genital sores are TMI!"

TMI has literally become the name the CIA has attached to the software's problems. Inundation with useless crap has become the biggest weakness to the program and could be exploited by enemies and hackers.

"We saw many supporters of the Iranian Protesters change their Twitter location to Tehran to jam Iran's outdated security monitoring," said CIA expert Jessie Clangley, "But other groups such as Hamas, Al Qaeda and Anonymous could be strategically or dickishly send false data up in bursts that can confuse and overwhelm the system. This could lead to issues like the Japanese telegram jam before the attack on Pearl Harbor, or worse, Anonymous sending CP from /b/ into our system and getting the FBI on our case. That's a headache we don't need."

CIA has currently not included Facebook in order to avoid incessant App invites and MySpace to prevent the system from falling into a blinkie induced epileptic seizure.

New Priest Finds Old Flame, High School Crush, Hot Twins Totally Available

Westerville, OK - Newly minted Priest Alex Botello hasn't even completely moved into his rectory and is already being tempted from his holy vows. Botello, age 26, decided to become a catholic priest after losing his job in 2007 and seeing much of his life going wrong.

"I lost my job at the beginning of the recession and I hadn't been laid since I had broken up with my ex-girlfriend Lacey nine months prior. I was striking out with women left and right. My finances were a mess, I was depressed and had no purpose in my life. I decided I needed to have something larger than myself to believe and dedicate my life to. So I joined a seminary and got my life straightened around," Father Botello said.

He took his vows two weeks ago and was assigned to the Westerville parish. Just as he settled in he got a call from his ex Lacey.

"She had been single as long as I had and decided that maybe she and I should give it another shot. I told her about the change in my life and she seemed happy for me, but disappointed nonetheless," Father Botello said.

Fahter Botello also ran into an old high school crush, Amy Derkins, at a coffee shop in town. He found out she had divorced her husband, the captain of their high school football team,  and was looking for someone more settled and less arrogant.

"She said she has always thought me cute in a nontraditional way and was interested in a date. I had to tell her that I was now unavailable. She moved on and is now seeing the guy who was the president of the chess team," Father Botello said.

Botello found his faith tempted a third time when he went to a bar with a long time friend last night and was approached by two hot twin sisters.

"They had been drinking all night and both were recently dumped by their boyfriends. They said both men had unsuccessfully tried to get them in a threesome and now they wanted to get back at them by giving the request to the cutest guy at the bar. It was the hardest decisions of my life, but I had to turn them down," Father Botello said.

Botello said he believes such temptations come in threes.  He believes it's a test from God and he passed successfully.

"As a precaution, I've decided to stay in the rectory for the next two weeks to pray and avoid contact with any willing females," Father Botello said.

INTERVIEW: Ig Nobel Prize Winner and Deposed Nigerian Prince Jon A Mbeki on Global Economic Crisis, Banking, and How You, By Sending Some Money, Can Share in His Hidden Fortune

The Blogging Bard recently got an e-mail from 2005 Ig Nobel Prize Winner and  deposed Nigerian Prince Jon A Mbeki. Mr. Mbeki shared some of his thoughts about the global crisis and how even we, good friends, could make money while helping the poor man recover his lost fortune. Below is the interview, done via e-mail, between the Blogging Bard and Prince Mbeki.

Blogging Bard: Thank you for your time, Prince Mbeki. Many people in America know the current economic crisis has global reach. Please tell us about how your country has been affected by the global crisis.

Prince Mbeki: Thank you for your return e-mail, Blogging Bard. You have heard how this global financial crisis has caused economic suffering in the world. In my home country of Nigeria  a coup took over and trapped my wealth in the National Bank. In order to get it back I humbly request your assistance. Before the coup takes the National Bank over I can wire funds to an outside bank account. By sending $500 dollars and giving me your account and password, I can move my fortune of 23,560,000 (TWENTY THREE MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED AND SIXTY THOUSAND DOLLARS) to your account. I will give you a transfer fee of $1 MILLION DOLLARS (US CURRENCY) for participating in this transaction.

Blogging Bard: It sound like you're having a rough time on the domestic front. Our own President Obama is facing some unrest from conservative Americans. How is that playing out in Africa?

Prince Mbeki: It may come as a surprise, but I am close friends with the Obamas of Kenya. In fact, Barack Obama recently sent his Nobel Prize winnings to Africa. But due to corruption, the police have arrested his brother George. George has hidden the money in a secret location. We need to raise money to bail him out of the prison. When he is out we will move him to the US embassy, which will fly him to America. If you send $1000 to bail him out he will share $100,000 of the $1.4 million of the Nobel money that he received.


Blogging Bard: Wow, you have quite the connections. I suppose being the prince entitles you to meet so many people. Has your relationship with Obama's brother gotten you or your country any benefits in financial assistance?

Prince Mbeki: Are you interested in getting a cut of the Obama's bailouts? Not just for banks and auto companies, the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 has benefits YOU can collect! We offer a low cost booklet showing all the programs that you may be eligible for! Sign up with your Social Security Number and Bank Account  and start receiving your own PERSONAL BAILOUT!


Blogging Bard: Wow, that's certainly useful. You've definitely got a diverse range of financial opportunities. However, some people have questioned your business practices and even drawn parallels between you and Bernie Madoff. What do you have to say to those accusations?



Prince Mbeki: Did you know that you could be eligible for benefits of a class action suit against Bernie Madoff? People who lost their savings, 401k, or IRA can stand to gain thousands back in this suit! Contact The Mbeki & Goldfarb Law Firm (New York, London, Singapore, Chicago, Tokyo, Paris) and we can tell you if you are eligible for part of this class action lawsuit. For a small upfront fee of $500 you can share in $10,000+  in a settlement. No attorney cut on the settlement! 


Blogging Bard: That's certainly interesting. I might have to join in to collect. Any final words of financial advice before we end this interview?

Prince Mbeki: Secret stock tips of the experts! Learn the strategies of Morgan Stanley that has earned them BILLIONS in profit in this bad economy. Send an e-mail for out prospectus and money management newsletter.



Blogging Bard: Thank you, your highness. I'm sure we'll be hearing from you soon.

GUNS AND KILLIN' COMMENTARY: Try Organic Deer Bait to Keep Venison Organic, Free Range

BY DALE MCMANLY DALESON

What do a manly deer hunter and a nancy-guy running the Whole Foods have in common? Not a lot, as y'all hunter know. But the one thing both could use is more organic meat in his diet.

The Nancy-man simply needs to stop eating them soy-burgers that make his so gassy and lean. A good dose of stew will fill him out and finally get some testosterone in his veins.

But even us hunters could use some better meat in our diets. See, tasty as those steaks you buy in the Supermarket are, the farmers now a days pump them full of growth hormones that give guys man-boobs. The only rack you want to be sporting is a nice 18 pointer in the living room, not a rack that rivals your stripper cousin Debbie's.

As hunters y'all are already at an advantage. Deer don't get injected full of shit, unless they feed near a nuclear plant. They're also free range, which should shut up your sissy college cousin out on the East Coast.

The newest innovation in organic deer hunting is the use of organic bait. Most of those corn bait you get is genetically modified and hit with pesticides, fertilizers and all sorts of other shit. Rather than taint your deer with some Frankenstein corn, you should hunt like your Daddy and great-grandaddy and only use natural corn like that type they grew themselves. Think of this as a return to the old ways, not some sissy touchy feely type thing.

When you bring home your deer you can proudly proclaim you've got a locally sourced, free range organic meal made by your own hands. See if you can't show up that nancy-man at Whole Foods. But don't get to uppity. You should do the Christian thing and invite him to the celebratory deer-meat dinner. The hunting gods will reward you next season with a nice 18 pointer walking into clear range only fifty yards away. Just as you pull your trigger you can remember that by going organic, you've been rewarded by karma.

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Guns and Killin' is a recurring segment on Blogging Bard where Dale McManly Daleson will inform you on the latest in hunting, fishing, outdoorsmanship, and home protection.

The Orthodox Jewish Online Debate Conundrum: Obedience Vs. Argument.

The Internet has created a connected world where ideas can be shared across boundaries in many ways. This has been a boon to society, but it comes with its downsides. Most people have had to dealt with trolls and rude anonymous individuals wasting the internet with their garbage, but few will face the problems that some Orthodox Jews must face.

If there are two things Orthodox Jews like, it's Obedience to G~D and Argument. They says if two Jews are arguing there are three opinions between them. The internet has been a boon to the Jewish diaspora to maintain intellectual debate amongst themselves. However, the distance and time zone differences have a fatal flaw in that debate.

Imagine it's Friday afternoon and a particularly strong debate is going on a Jewish forum. If a Jew in New York and a Jew in Chicago are arguing a point and neither wants to concede the last word, the Chicago Jew has the upper hand. He has a full hour before sundown to make his final replies. Jewish law prevents the use of computers on Shabbat, meaning the Jew in New York must shut down if he is to stay obedient. By the end of Shabbat the debate will be a day old an lose its fire and the New York Jew must concede to that putz in Chicago.

Distance becomes a hindrance. While before it would be comical to see a Jew on one side of the time zone dividing line arguing with another Jew on the other side until one becomes quiet because of Shabbat, how does one online deal with it in the real world?

A few suggestion for Jews who find themselves in this situation.

1.Think globally, argue locally - Stick to debate partners that live in the same time zone. Even if the argument remains unresolved, you'll at least have equal chance to get in the last word. and you'll have the whole next day to think some witty retort to the schmuck's counterpoint.

or

2. Think globally, argue the guy a time zone ahead - It's not your fault time zones are what they are. If the other guy's fool enough to argue near Shabbat with someone a time zone ahead, shouldn't he already lose?

or

3. Suppose you end up having to argue on the Internet with some else, hire a Gentile as a typist. That's kosher, right?

Scribblenauts No Match for MacGyvernauts

Scribblenauts, an interactive puzzle game for Nintendo DS, has been a product of innovative ideas with less than stellar execution. Players can summon any object by typing it in, but the needed item doesn't always make sense

The New York Times Video Game Reviewer summed up the issue:

You type in a word, and the corresponding object magically appears on the screen. Almost anything you can think of that isn’t sexual, racially offensive or copyrighted is included. The concept is that you are limited only by your imagination in how you solve the various puzzles.

But it generally doesn’t work out that way. Instead, the interaction among various objects often seems arbitrary. I need to start my car, for instance. Giving Maxwell a key doesn’t help. Maybe I can summon a tow truck and connect it to my car with jumper cables? No dice.

In frustration I went online to look for help. It turns out that to start the car I need either to summon a thundercloud to strike the car with lightning or string a series of wires between the car and a nearby power line, neither of which makes any sense.

Even if this did work as intended, where players could summon any object, there are no points for creativity. That's why I've decided to launch my own video game, MacGyvernauts. In lieu of letting players type in any item, the objective will be to fashion your way out using only a few everyday items. Players can choose from a selected list of items, such as the contents of a first aid kit, a sewing kit, or cooking supplies. From that list hey could combine things physically, chemically or otherwise to create contraptions to aid their escape.

Points will be award on the basis of originality. Answers easily looked up on Life Hacker or a Boy Scout manual will get 10 points, while MacGyver ready solutions will get 100 points. This will encourage creative thinking, experimentation and a market for the Blu Ray release of MacGyver: The Complete Series, which I have invested my retirement money in, so it had better succeed.

Commentary: Obama's Nobel Prize Sets Unrealistic Goals for Future Suitors of His Daughters

First off, congratulations of President Obama on being the winner of the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. It's a great honor for him and America at a time when America has rebuilt it's image.

But all right thinking people must agree that this comes at an awkward time for the President. He's only been in office since late January, and while his speech have led to great opportunities, nothing concrete has happened.

But there has been much talk on that point. What's been overlooked is a comment in Obama's speech that pertains to his daughters reaction.

"After I received the news, Malia walked in and said, 'Daddy, you won the Nobel Peace Prize, and it is Bo's birthday.' And then Sasha added, `Plus, we have a three-day weekend coming up.' So it's -- it's good to have kids to keep things in perspective."

While people will read this into Obama's humility, a dedicated Freudian can't help but see this as a red flag regarding his daughters. The Electra Complex, like the Oedipus Complex,  means children will be attracted to significant others like their opposite sex parent. While Obama is a great father, respectful, sober, intelligent and well revered, the scope of his accomplishments only screws over the guys who one day will be suitors to his daughters.

Imagine it. By age 48 he's been a Harvard Law Review President, Illinois State Representative, U.S. Senator, best-selling author of two books., a Grammy winner, Time's Person of the Year, U.S. President and now a Nobel Laureate. How is some awkward pubescent boy going to compete with that? Even the guy who is QB of the JV football team has to feel an inferiority complex

Imagine trying to sweet talk the daughter of one of the nation's greatest orators. Women swoon and feint at his political rallies and his speeches will one day be quoted next to Lincoln and Franklin Roosevelt. This is the same guy who read the girls bedtime stories their whole life. Even the most creative pick up line will seem mere grunts in comparison.

Obama has great ambition for the next generation. His work for peace and prosperity will give the next generation a great future they wouldn't have otherwise. But damn if he hasn't screwed the guys who would date his daughters.

The one solace is that the boys will have a few more years of their latency period before they are greatly humbled by the fact that no matter how hard most of them try, they will forever be mere boys in the eyes of Obama's daughters.

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/10/09/obama-nobel-speech-video_n_315324.html